Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
by Eugenia Maluf
“I knew it was bound to happen at some point. Black people are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
My principal (a black woman) said this to me when I expressed shock at a recent explosion of racial tension among our teachers after a fight had broken out between several students. In the past four years I had been at the school, our teaching staff had remained relatively stable. I had seen these people interact with students daily and had never witnessed any problematic behaviors towards students. In fact, one of the reasons I love my school is because I thought all staff shared the same level of respect for our students.
“I knew at some point we would have a situation like this that would bring out everyone’s real thoughts and feelings. It’s something that has always lived in the back of my mind, and now it’s out in the open.”
This ugly reckoning, which for me, seemed to come out of nowhere was actually just hidden in the background waiting for an opportunity to rear its head.
After a year of online learning, everyone was excited to be back in the classroom. Although we would have to deal with disruptive safety measures like COVID testing, frequent absences due to symptoms, and constant masking, nothing could beat being in a real life classroom with our real life students. The first few weeks of school, I could feel the positive energy all over the school: student eyes beaming, furious waving at people they hadn’t seen in over a year, cheerful screams on the playground.
However, after a few weeks, the excitement wore off and unresolved anxieties took hold. We had more instances of bullying and property destruction around the school. The school felt chaotic. Older students had begun sneaking to the bathroom with their phones to post on SnapChat, and many younger students became afraid to leave the classroom by themselves. Teachers were feeling the stress, too. The workloads were much larger than the previous year and there seemed to be even more pressure to help students catch up and make up for lost time.
Then came the TikTok fight.
During the after school program, one fourth and one fifth grader filmed themselves jumping a third grader who had been bothering them earlier in the week. The fight was filmed by some other students and posted to TikTok. The next day, it seemed like all of the fourth and fifth graders had seen the video.
The reaction of the fourth and fifth grade teachers (both white men), people I had worked with for four years, was explosive. For the next three days, the fifth grade teacher publicly berated the students (one black and one Latino; both boys) who initiated the fight (he referred to them as, “offenders”) in front of the other students in their class. Both teachers expressed multiple times that they didn’t think the students’ punishments (expulsion from the after school program and two days of out of school suspension) were sufficient and wanted to take away their recess for the remainder of the calendar year. The fifth grade teacher, in a rant to other staff, also said he “didn’t give a f____” about his student. He was disgusted with the boys and he made no effort to hide it.
Other teachers were shocked to the point where we all signed a letter of concern to our faculty council. I felt so disappointed and angry that people who stood beside me on the picket lines during our strike or spent hours and hours working on personalized lessons for their students could turn around and dehumanize the same students they worked so hard to serve.
But I suppose that I had only seen these teachers work and interact with students when the students were following their expectations. When those same students did something that was disappointing, these teachers instantly switched back to treating Black boys as a stereotype, even if they were previously perceived as “good students”. The other shoe dropped.
I don’t know how all of this will end. Our staff is still in the middle of dealing with this blow-up. What my principal said has stuck with me. People of color (especially Black people) are always waiting for others to reveal their true feelings, and yet they are obligated to move forward for the good of the group. The two boys will not soon forget how trusted adults treated them when they made a mistake. My principal will have to continue to conduct a professional relationship with teachers who have revealed some of their darkest thoughts. While having these thoughts and feelings out in the open can allow us to reckon with them and begin the healing process, I also can’t help but think that it has been at great expense to the students, teachers, and school community.